We are
always looking for more jokes, so if you have
some good ones, send them to us!!!
You
know you're an Ari-Zonie when:
~You no longer associate bridges with water
~You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good
branding iron.
~You realize that asphalt has a liquid state in
the summer!
~Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is "What if I
get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement
and cook to death?"
_____________________________________
Which would you Use?
It
doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself
from time to time, and this should help you get
started.
During a vistit to a mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what was the criterion that
defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well", said the Director, "we fill up a
bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and
a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."
"No", said the Director, "A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or
near the window?"
_____________________________________
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME
REMEDIES
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
clock, will prevent you from rolling over and
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them
while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a three minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
use a timer.
6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the headache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the
rules of life really are: You only need two
tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move
and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.
_____________________________________
Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distored view;
I hate you being smug and wise--
Oh, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O Mirred wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!!
____________________________________
Is the price of gasoline getting ridiculous or
what?
I went into the 7-11 gas
station today and asked for five dollars worth
of gas. The
clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I
asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a
remote control for a television set in her
purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to
come shopping with me, and I figured this was
the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Last Words
Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself
on one elbow and beckoned to his wife. "Doris",
he whispered, "you were with me through the
Great Depression."
"Yes Harry."
"Doris, you were with me through the worst
droughts in the fifties and the eighties."
"Yes Harry."
"And you were with me when the farm got burned
out by the bushfires in the nineties. And last
year, you were still hanging in there with me
when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we
lost the farm."
"Yes Harry."
"And now, here you are with me today, when I'm
just about to die."
Doris nodded.
"You know Doris, I'm starting to think you are
nothing but bad luck!"
W O R D S
A husband read an article
to his wife about how many words women use a
day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The
reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned,
Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think
that you're nothing but bad luck!"to
his wife and asked, "What?"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent
treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his
flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It
is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of
contests.
Stress Management
In case you've had a rough day, here is
a stress management technique recommended in all
the latest psychological texts. The funny thing
is that it really works...
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool
mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic
place called "the world,"
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall
fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. Bubbles slowly float to the surface creating
a gentle gurgling sound.
7. The water is crystal clear.
8. You can easily make out the face of the
person you're holding underwater.
See! You're smiling already!!
Andy Rooney's Tips for Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are:"Hold On,
Please..." Saying this, while putting down your
phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up
immediately) would make each telemarketing call
so much more time-consuming that boiler room
sales would grind to a halt. Then when you
eventually hear the phone company's
"beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go
back and hang up your handset, which has
efficiently completed its task.
These three little words "Hold On, Please..."
will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls
with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a
machine makes phone calls and records the time
of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best
time of day for a "real" sales person to call
back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice
there is no one there, is to immediately start
hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7
times, as quickly as possible This confuses the
machine that dialed the call and it kicks your
number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame
not to have your name in their system any longer
!!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or
utility bill, return these "ads" with your
payment. Let the sending companies throw their
own junk mail away. When you get those
"pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages
and similar type junk, do not throw away the
return envelope.Most! of these come with
postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs
them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF"
and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away!
The postage was around 50 cents before the last
increase and it is according to the weight. In
that case, why not get rid of some of your other
junk mail and put it in these cool little,
postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to
American Express. Send a pizza coupon to
Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that
day, then just send them their blank application
back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure
your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you
want to just to keep them guessing! It still
costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are
currently getting a lot of their own junk back
in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM
them. Let's let them know what it's like to get
lots of junk mail, and best of all they're
paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since
they are saying that e-mail is cutting into
their business profits, and that's why they need
to increase postage costs again. You get the
idea !
If
enough people follow these tips, it will work
---- I have been doing this for years, and I get
very little! junk mail anymore.
